Weapons for the Modern Man

1. Emoji Gun
“Whether with a smile or a frown, I’m taking you down.”

The Emoji Gun was a product of the massive pugilist movement that rose in the early 2030s, an invention mothered by the futility of verbal communication and the necessity of annoying the people that you do not like. Emojis have been around for generations (since the early 90s) and has been mainly used as a sort of pseudo-cuneiform that conveyed an individual’s emotion with one symbol. However, their greatest use was never fully realized until the mid-2020’s. Turns out, emojis contain what are now known as “sleeper symbols;” linguistic devices that seem inert when alone, but in frequent bursts would cause mild annoyance at best, and a ruptured patience valve in the target’s hippocampus, at worst.

Yes, it turns out that emojis are really, really good at ticking people off (to the point of outright killing them), and in the year 2027 a group of scientists begun what is to be one of the greatest achievements in human engineering: weaponizing the sleeper symbols within the emoji. This project was no joke; it involved a team 6 neuroscientists, 6 language experts, 8 psychologists, 7 political analysts, and one Doctorate in TV and Anime Studies (majoring in Sitcoms, Shonen, Slice of Life, and Reality TV).

The Emoji Gun in its current form functions just like any other gun, with the exception that its ammunition functions as a wave and not a particle. This makes it difficult to predict its rate of fire, but it is said to be relatively consistent and on average can produce sleeper symbol waves of up to 10 exahertz (close to gamma rays), which is equivalent to 10^19 emoji emissions per second (EE/sec). If the current pace of technology remains, Emoji Guns dishing out 10^20 or even 10^21 EE/sec may see the light in the next 5 years or so.

2. Drivel Bomb (also known as the Invalid Argument Detonator or IAD)
“Ire in the Hole!”

The Drivel Bomb or the IAD is the product of many, many years of data: generations worth of heuristics, statistical analysis, and conversational nuances, all packed in one little bomb for the modern warrior to enjoy. What the IAD is, is simple: a compilation of strings of Invalid Arguments collected throughout the past millennium, ready to explode in the face of some unsuspecting fast-talker at a moment’s notice.

The IAD uses cutting-edge compression techniques to incorporate every horrifying, shocking, and also all the stupid dumb arguments any human has ever made— all in a sphere the size of a modern baseball! As for the source, well, the inevitable rise in popularity of the Internet in the early 2000s led to the possibility of curating the collective inabilty of the human species to control our mouths especially when in bursts of extreme emotions. Most of these strings are therefore sourced from 16 to 20 year-old individuals undergoing the now obsolete “angst phase,” However, there are some from older individuals as well (particularly those that did not handle midlife crisis very well, or old grandpas and grandmas complaining how the youth at the time were not like the youth of their time— which is a load of bollocks when you think about it).

Every straw man, unfair comparison, false dichotomy, dilemma, cause, or indeed any invalid argument you can think of is included in this neat little package of subatomic stupidity, which can cause massive damage in the immediate vicinity that some could only describe as all the natural calamities rolled into one, experienced three times over. The blast radius, however, is a bit small at a mere 2 miles, but there had been reports that the effects of these earth-shaking stupidities can be felt in locales 10,000 miles away. One such notable use of the bomb is the Pandemona incident in Manila, Philippines which occurred in the year 2033. An IAD was used to flush out insurgents and anti-government cells by the Philippine Military by order of the Dictator / Chief-of-Staff who was already in position for almost more than two decades at the time (said leader is seeking the secret to immortality, it turns out, but we digress). The effects of the Pandemona incident was apparently so severe that it caused individual earth faults to rearrange themselves, actually moving the whole Philippine archipelago closer to China, which in turn re-ignited disputes regarding what country owns which territory.

The IAD is not to be taken lightly. Truly, it is a magnificent feat of human weaponry, one that can make or break world peace, depending on who uses it (not that we care — so long as you pay for it).

3. Attention-Seeking Missiles
“Notice me, senp- *boom!*”

There’s really not much to say about Attention-Seeking missiles, but they are a marvel of innovation still worthy of discussion. Based on the technology that made heat-seeking missiles possible, the Attention-Seeking missile (or ASM) uses advanced algorithmics and neural tracking to lock-down on people who feel that it’s necessary to excessively glorify their selves and thus in turn feel that all eyes should be on them all the time. Well, they can rest assured that the ASM’s eyes are always on them, all the time. Basically, the ASM is good at invading homes of narcissistic people and promptly making their heads explode and have their splattered brains serve as wallpaper and carpet embellishments all in a matter of a split second.

It seems like a simple mechanic, but the criteria for narcisissm was not an easy factor to figure out, much less configure and program into an AI-microchip that’s to be used with a missile. Psychologists and neuroscientists made their breakthough in 2036, when a complete neural structure of the brain was successfully mapped. Basically, this neural map is what the very heart of the ASM is, and it scans the area for certain “triggers” that will make the ASM go batshit insane (indicated by the word TRIGGERED on the built-in LCD) and destroy everything in its path until it gets to the brain that “triggered” it. It will then promptly deliver its payload and explode in a merry concoction of cyanide, thermite, concentrated hydrogen, and antimatter in a lavish display of fireworks while a little audio chip plays the tune of “Happy Birthday To You,” “Auld Lang Syne,” or “The Star-Spangled Banner,” depending on what variant the user ordered. Music can be further customized to play, for example, the national anthem of your country, but it will cost a little bit more than market price.

ASM are slowly gaining popularity in countries with pseudo-governments or those in anarchy, as political “leaders” tend to have narcissistic personalities and the ASM is an easy way “root out the bastards,” so to speak. Just be careful and double-check if you have equipped the included ASM-immunity wristband to ensure that you do not accidentally make yourself a target. Each purchase of the ASM includes the wristband with a serial number that matches the ASM you bought— you are thus immune only to that specific ASM. We repeat: do not use the ASM without the wristband, we cannot stress this enough. It will be bloody.

Cheers,
A.P.

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